completely unauthorized copy & Paste…

So, my classmate Caleb McCoy wrote this, and I’ve decided to copy and paste it to here. Thus are the dangers of making things public on the internet, I suppose.

“The Truth About Valentine’s Day”

This time every year, it seems everyone is entitled to give ‘inspirational’ encouragements to all the single people in their lives. So I thought I expose just a few of the boldest lies the make their way around the Facebook statuses and wall posts.

The reason you are single on Valentine’s Day is because nobody likes you.

Seriously. There is something wrong with you that repels the opposite sex…and sometimes both sexes in general. And this isn’t confined to V-Day (one might note this abbreviation is also used to signify Victory Day – the day when the attractive and happy people of the world celebrate their victory over the ugly and depressed).

If you have nobody to hold today… it simply means you will never have somebody. This ONE day is a foreshadowing for the rest of your life. Nobody will ever like you. We won’t even mention the other four-letter “L-word.”

This may be bearable to some, but the significance of this day doesn’t end with love. This day also represents all other aspects of your life. For starters, you will never do reach great heights in your career. I mean, if nobody likes you, how could anyone respect you?

If you are alone today, you should started learning to accept a long life of being stepped on and neglected in your chosen profession, ending with a forced retirement.

As far as family goes (brothers/sisters/parents, of course, since you will never have a family of your own), get ready for more failure. If you are alone today, just know that whenever your name is brought up in conversation, those in your family will slightly shake their head with downcast eyes. Your brothers and sisters will lecture their kids (your nephews and nieces) with the threat of, “You don’t want to turn out like (insert your name here), do you?!?”

It will be an effective parenting tool.

Now some may say that if you are alone on V-Day, it is only because you refuse to settle for anything less than the best in your life. Some others may say this time spent being single is valuable to focus your energies into building yourself into a much better person than your married friends. Still others think being single at this instant of your life will help you appreciate the time you will spend with your future spouse.

As any rational person can see, these ideas are ridiculous. The universal consensus of all mankind is these are nothing more than a dreamer’s wish of a fantastical world. You can imagine it, maybe even play it in a videogame, but you will never actually live it.

So, to sum up, if on this ONE day of the more than 30,000 days of your life you are alone…let the misery sink deep.

Prepare yourself for not only a loveless day,
but a loveless life,
a pitiful career,
and shaming your family name.

Or, better put, if you are alone on this day, may God have mercy on your soul, because no one else cares.